Luca's Rocket Ship

When you lose someone, especially abruptly,

every holiday or event is difficult, some even unbearable.

I’m no exception, some holidays affect me more than others, Father's Day happens to be a bad.

A few nights ago, Luca was laying in bed, he should have been asleep but instead he was talking to himself. I stopped to listen, he has such a crazy imagination, I was curious what he had come up with now.

He was playing with some imaginary friends, jumping around the bed and just being plain weird. Out of nowhere, he stops, and he slowly raised his fingers to his face as if was talking on a cell phone.

“Daddy, can I have a sleepover?”

He pauses for a moment, as if he's listening to the reply and then says,

“My mom says yes”

He goes quiet, it was as if he was waiting for an answer. While still holding up his finger phone, his demeanour changed; he seemed sad.

“Daddy, why can’t I go to the stars too?”

Luca knows that his Daddy died, I've explained death to him in a way suitable for a toddler. But still he didn't understand, toddlers aren't meant to understand death. One day when he asked where Dada was, I told him he was in the sky, and we'd picked out the brightest star in the sky for Daddy to live on.

Hearing that phone call broke my heart.

Luca doesn’t understand time, he doesn't understand that is that Daddy is gone, forever. My sweet little boy is under the impression that Daddy doesn’t want to see him or he just isn't able to come home right now.

At three years old, he doesn’t understand that Heaven doesn’t offer Day Passes.

But, my kid, he's a problem solver.

He's building a rocketship to go get his Dad from the stars.

I have to admit, his logic is fucking sound. He told me, he's just gonna go get him. No big deal.

It's devastating; this kid is so innocent and pure and he loves so unconditionally that he is finding a way to go get his dad. But, Heaven doesn't work like that. Even with all that love and determination, no cardboard box rocket ship is going to Daddy home. It just can't.

So today, my heart breaks for my little boy.